Whatever They Offer You, Don't Feed the Plants!

Where to begin…. Well guys, there’s less than two weeks left until surgery. People keep asking me if I’m nervous, and I am… just not about the surgery. When I weighed myself on Monday (Nov. 22nd), I was back up to 284.00 lbs. I was really upset and I mentioned it in my last two Nutrition classes at Valley Care clinic. Our nutritionist Valerie advised me to go out and buy some microwave dinners so that I could avoid the choice involved in eating.

“Eat because you have to, not because you enjoy it. It’s not permanent, you’ll be able to enjoy food again, but for now you need to stick to the basics.”

I found myself really struggling with this. I didn’t WANT to stop eating for pleasure. I only had a few precious weeks left until surgery and I didn’t want to give them up when I’d never have the opportunity to enjoy my current lifestyle again. I don’t ever want it again. I just want to enjoy what I do have then say good-bye without regrets. Sadly though, reality sets back in and I had to give myself a serious talking to. I had to make myself understand that this is it. If I don’t lose the weight I need too, they’ll have to postpone my surgery until I do lose the weight. At this point, that means at least until January. I’ve worked too hard and too long to fumble in the end zone. (Did I really just use a sports metaphore? Where did that come from?)

So, I went and spent a lot of money on the good microwave dinners (SmartOnes and Lean Cuisine) with the lower fat and caloric amounts. I also decided to take my P.E. teacher’s advice and switch my meals around. Now I eat oatmeal for breakfast, a microwave dinner for lunch and have a SlimFast shake and nutrition bar or something for dinner. I’ve done that for about a week now and happily, it’s working. I’m back down to 277-ish, which is below where I need to be. The scale at Valley Care is about the same as mine at home so I’m feeling good about it all.

I went to L.A. over Thanksgiving weekend to visit my best friend Bryen. We spent all of Thursday in Disneyland and walked all over the place. I was sore for two days afterwards but actually lost weight in spite of having to exist on park food (tasty, but not necessarily healthy). I call Bryen my Diet Nazi because he can be very strong for me when I need it. He tells me ‘No, don’t finish that whole thing!’ and I start to whine and pout. Then he gives me a look and a firm ‘No!’ and I usually capitulate. Rules for a successful vacation while dieting: make sure you have someone with you whom you can take orders from without feeling rebellious. Thanks Bry.

Now all I have to do is make it to the 8th. Once they weigh me at my one-week pre-op, there’s no turning back. I actually got a phone call from the surgeon’s office yesterday, asking if I wanted to change my surgery date to Dec. 6th! I thought about it for a minute, but eventually decided to leave it where it is. I both want and need the extra time. Bryen’s coming into town for my party and I want to be able to spend time with him. Most importantly, school ends the week of surgery and I’ve been making arrangements to take tests early and it’d be too difficult to try and do everything two weeks early instead of just one week.

There’s still a lot to do before surgery. I have lists but I’m finding myself too flustered to concentrate lately. When I’m lying in bed at night I begin thinking about additional things that need to be done but I’m too tired (or lazy) to get up and write them down. When I was in L.A. I went to get a haircut but it turned out to be one of the most awful, white trash, shag mullets I’ve ever seen. Plus, I couldn’t afford to dye my hair so I had a hideous two inches of roots showing. Bryen and I went and bought some hair color and when we got home, he did my hair himself. We colored it and he decided to fix the style for me. He started out cutting it to the length that I wanted it, then decided to go shorter. Suddenly, he gets this look in his eyes and says, “okay, I have an idea but you have to trust me.” So… I do.

It’s short. It’s absolutely adorable. But it’s short. Everyone who’s seen it loves it, although some say they prefer it longer. Either way, I really like it and it’s exactly what I need right now; something low maintenance that I don’t have to deal with while I’m in recovery mode. Plus it’s so cute. The only thing about it that makes me uncomfortable is that you can see the two ugly raised moles on the back of my neck. I really want to get them removed but my focus (and money) is elsewhere right now.

My biggest worry right now is money. Money’s always been tight for me because, as my father says, I live ‘a champagne life on a beer budget.’ I’ve been doing really well with expenses lately but with Christmas coming and going to L.A., even though I really didn’t spend all that much, I’m starting to feel frantic. I’m thinking of starting a ‘Save the Kim’ fund. Either that, or rob a bank. I’m just got a cost of living raise and this month I get my annual increase but I don’t think that’ll help much. Eventually it will. It’s just these next few months I’m worried about. Between the holidays and having to go on medical leave while I’m recovering, I’m really scared about facing the next few months. Why do we always seem to live outside of our means? My parents would say that I waste money on things I don’t need, but I’ve really been good. I’ve cut back so much and I’ve been doing so great at getting my finances under control, even if I am still as poor as a church mouse. Now I feel myself starting to flounder again and I don’t know whether it’s do to stress or something else. Anybody wanna buy a kidney?

I hope you’re all well and my thoughts and prayers are with you!