Well, Some People Ain't Me

I've been talking to a lot of people over the past week. I'm getting ready for my big 'Going Away' party in December, so I've had the chance to get in touch with some people that I don't talk to on a regular basis. In doing so, I've gotten a chance to find out a couple of things. The first, and most important, is that a lot of people love me. This may not be surprising to you but it's not really something I've ever thought about before. Self-esteem was always an issue of mine, so I guess I never really gave myself the chance to be loved before. It's a very interesting thing.

The second thing I've learned is that not everyone I know is for me doing this surgery. I've heard from a couple of second-hand sources that there are some people who think I'm taking the easy way out and that I should just lose the weight on my own. While I respect their opinion, I would like to submit to them that they have no idea what they're talking about. At least not about this. I have tried... and tried... and tried to lose weight. While it may have worked for a time, it never lasts for long. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle and I'm even more tired of being unhappy about it.

This is the hardest I've ever had to work in my life. I've been working out 5 to 6 days a week. I've been eating better than ever and, for once in my life, I have hope. Hope for a future without back pain. Hope of not having to use my bed and walls for support when I first get up in the morning because my feet hurt so bad from carrying my body weight. Hope for a life where I can accomplish my dreams without such a frustrating setback like my own body. After the surgery, I'll not only have to endure the pain of recovery, but I will have to work my butt off to make sure the weight stays off and that I do everything possible to take care of a body in recovery. It's not like an alcoholic who can struggle with just giving up alcohol forever. I cannot just stop eating. We need food to live. This is the only addiction that cannot be cured by abstinance. I've tried hard to do it on my own and that hasn't worked so it's time to get drastic about a drastic problem.

If I only had ten pounds to lose, this would be a different story. When I started this process, I was only a couple of dounuts away from 300 lbs. THREE-HUNDRED POUNDS. For a 5 foot tall, 24 year old, that's not a good thing. This is not something that can be dieted away. Even if I did diet and managed to get it all off, there's only a 5% chance that I'd be able to keep the weight off for more than 5 years. What kind of life is that?

For arguments sake, lets say that this is the easy way out. What's wrong with that? It'll work and it'll save my life. The problem comes when you really consider all the work necessary to make this happen. It's not easy. The fact is, Weight Loss Surgery is not a solution. It doesn't mean that I magically lose the weight and never lift a finger. WLS is a nudge. It's a solid nudge, true, but a nudge none the less. It's up to me to do the work to get to solutions. The only difference between this choice and dieting is that now, I will actually succeed. The degree of my success depends entirely on me.

And that's the bottom line. This has never been about anyone but me. If people I love have a problem with it, that's okay. I respect that. However, they aren't me. They don't know who I am or what I go through and are in no position to tell me what decision is the right one for ME. Some people have place a lot of blame on my parents for my weight. Maybe it is their fault. Maybe it's not genetics and environment. Maybe they could have forced me on one more diet, or kept taking me to the dietatician. Maybe it would have worked, but most likely, I would have fought them on it. But here's the truth, people. My mom and dad did the best job that they could and I love them. I love who I am and I have no regret for the mistakes that I have made because each of them has contributed to the person sitting here today. And she's great. I love her, too. So once and for all, I vindicate my parents. You guy created a beautiful, wonderful daughter who has her issues, but has managed to conquer them. If you hadn't done a good job with me, I wouldn't have the ability to take control of my life and to have gotten where I am today. No matter what anyone else says, I am me. I alone made me the way I am. I'm a person just like everyone else and therefore, cannot be made to do anything I really don't want to. I made this bed and now I'm going to sleep in it. Or, more practically, I'm going to unmake it so that I can remake it to my liking.

I am loved, and for maybe the first time, I know it. I have a best friend who stands beside me no matter what. I have parents who drive me crazy, but who would do anything to protect me and I adore them. I have very dear friends living far and near, some of whom have been a part of my soul for ages and some who are still learning my heart. I have a family and an extended family who is there for me and who has no idea the importance they've held in my life. It's time I rectify that. I thank you all for everything. I love you all and am proud to have you in my life.

The following is a letter written by the husband of a woman who had the surgery that I am going to have. This letter was given to me at the clinic to share with all my 'significant others' before surgery. Especially if they were opposed. I'd like to share it with you now and invite any questions or concerns you may have. Ask me your questions and I will answer them.

"To All 'Significant Others'

I want to talk to all the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, boyfriends, girlfriends or any other 'significant other.' If your loved one has asked you to read this section, congratulations on doing so. I have gone through, and survived, what you are probably experiencing now and know that I can offer some words that will help you to deal with it.

About two years ago, our family doctor recommended that my wife see a nutritionist about her weight. The nutritionist suggested several plans for her to lose weight, most of which were the standard: more exercise, better eating habits, identifying why people eat emotionally, and taking prescribed weight loss medication. One of the suggestions, however, was for her to have weight loss surgery. I was shocked. how could this man come up with this? Does he really know what he is talking about?

My reactions then, were probably the same as your reactions now. I know what most every one of you was thinking when your loved one told you that he or she was considering weight loss surgery. I can hear your thoughts and your words now as I am writing this.

'This is a major operation!' 'You are perfectly healthy!' 'You could die!!' 'What about the family?' 'What about just one more diet?' 'You are not THAT overweight!' 'How can they say that you are morbidly obese?' ' Why do something that will change your life forever?'

I could go on and on. How do I know what went through your mind? I know because I had the very same thoughts and emotions. I think that anyone who finds out that their loved one is 'volunteering' to undergo such a serious operation is naturally concerned about the consequences of such a drastic procedure. I use the word 'volunteering' because at that time, I did not fully understand the 'need' for the operation. I was worried about how this operation would change her life. I was worried about how she would feel when we would go out to dinner with friends or when she attended a work related function that was centered around food. I was worried about the fact that some surgeon was going to literally change her insides. Cut some parts here. Reconnect some parts there. This surgeon was actually going to re-route my wife's intestines to places that God never thought about. I was horrified. I was scared. I was speechless. And with all my worry for how this would change my wife's life, I also wondered how this would change my own life and our family. How could I eat in front of her without making her feel bad about not being able to eat more? How could we go out for dinner and a movie? How would I go on if she had complications and died? It is amazing how may thoughts go through your head when you are panicking about the health of your loved ones.

After I got over the initial shock, I was able to think a little more rationally and talked over the options with Barbara. After hearing what she had to say, I still could not accept the fact that she needed such a serious procedure. After much discussion, I talked her into trying another diet. I would help. I would go on a diet with her. I would do anything to avoid the operation. Being the wonderful person she is, she agreed to try one more time. She went on another diet and watched what she ate. She went to nutrition classes. She exercised.. She did all the things that the nutritionist originally suggested execpt the surgery. She did lose weight but she was not happy and was in constant pain from her back. This is when I started to learn about something called 'Co-morbidities.'

Many times when people are overweight, there are usually other problems happening now or problems that will develop in the future. my wife was in a car accident many years ago and has had back pain ever since. the increasing weight on her body was not allowing her to live life without pain. Some days the pain was less. Some days the pain was more severe. But there was always pain. This additional problem that is associated with the weight is called co-morbidity. being overweight makes a person vulnerable to many other problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attacks and something called sleep apnea, when the person actually stops breathing when they sleep. She didn't have any of these other problems then, but being overweight made her a prime candidate for developing these problems in the future.

Another problem that is not classed as co-morbidity is 'quality of life'. My wife was not happy about her weight problem and the ever-present back pain. She missed going shopping with our daughter, Erin, because she could only walk for a short time at the malls. She felt bad that she could never fit into the slinky outfits that she wore many years ago. She loves playing golf, but her back would be screaming at her after playing only nine holes. Playing 18 holes of golf was absolutely out of the question. She was taking prescribed and over-the-counter pain medication, going to a chiropractor several times a week, and even got treated several times at a pain cneter at a local hospital. She was told that the treatments would give her some temporary relief but would not cure her problem, as long as she was heavy.

The turning point for me to accept weight loss surgery was one day when I found my wife in the kitchen and in especially great pain. She was crying and sitting in a chair with her head hanging low. She looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes that were now red and full of tears, and said that she was tired of being in pain all the time and wanted to go ahead with the surgery. My heart melted. I looked her in the eyes and I knew in that moment that we were about to talke a new direction in our lives. I could not continue to see the person I love most in the world, in so much pain and i could see that weight loss surgery was the only way to ever find an end to her misery.

My wife had the pain, but your loved one may only be overweight. My use of the word 'only' should not be taken as an indication that there is not a grave problem. To be considered for weight loss surgery, the patient is normally 100 pounds or more over their ideal weight. We have a cat and buy kitty litter in 33 pound containers. To get a full appreciation of what an extra 100 pounds feels like, try strapping three of those containers to your belt. Now spend a couple of hours trying to live your life. I would not be surprised if you gave up after only a few minutes.

As the years go by and the person you love gets heavier and heavier, (which is typically what happens), co-morbidities will surely develop. At some point, you and your loved one will be faced with the horrendous fact that the weight will never come off with conventional means, and the quality of life will deteriorate to the point that there will be a spiral down hill to early death. With every passing day you will notice only small changes and think that there is not a big problem. But things will be slowly getting worse until one day there will be a terrible disaster. It is absolutely critical that something be done to manage the weight problem and it must be done now. Any further delay will only add to your loved one's musery and mounting health problems.

If wieght loss surgery has been recommended to your loved one, I urge you from the bottom of my heart, to open your mind to the seriousness of the problem. Make an effort to educate yourself about all aspects of the surgery. Keep in mind that your loved one is in physical and emotional misery and desperately needs your help.

A Husband"

I have never been more sure of any decision I have made in my life. This is the right choice for me and I will never waste a moment of my wonderful life in regretting it.

I love you all!