I believe in you... Oh I believe in you....

So now that I've got my date, I've started having trouble sticking with my 'diet'. This is my old self-sabotage routine. Something good happens and, subconsciously, I feel like I don't deserve it, so things start happening to screw it up. Usually, it's something that I'm doing whether I realize it or not. This is especially true with diets. Fat has become a barrier for me. When you're overweight, people seem to have fewer expectations of you. I've noticed that, unless people are surreptitiously staring at my stomach or my breasts, they usually look right through me, as though being fat makes me non-existent. I remember an episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' (come on, you all know you've watched it) where a girl became invisible because she was so unpopular. I've often wondered if I too would simply fade away one day, long overlooked and underestimated. I've lost more potential boyfriends and earned the scorn of more friends because of my inability to stay in control of my eating habits. Then there's the scariest part of all. As an actor, whenever I've lost a roll to a skinny, though less-talented girl, I've always blamed it on my weight, "If I were thinner, I'd have gotten the part". But what if I'm really just un-talented? Without the weight, I'll no longer be able to use that as an excuse. It's a little intimidating. Long story short, it's getting tough. I've got a little over two months to go and still have three lbs. to lose. Plus, I'd like to lose at least 5 more to maintain an error margin. You know how those hospital scales are always off. Time to regroup and put my proverbial shoulder to the wheel. The positives far outweigh all my fears and worries and I'm not frightened of the surgery, only myself. I've put in a phone call to my health plan's authorization unit and gotten permission to return to therapy. I called my last therapist on Tuesday, but I still haven't heard anything. Asking someone to be your therapist is a lot like proposing marriage. Until they get back to you, time seems to stand still. If they say know, maybe it means you're crazier than you ever thought you were. You don't know, but you can never be sure. Time's started crawling for me since my date was set. I've still got a few things to do. I still need to fill out those awful SDI papers. Plus, I'm planning a party (to which everyone is invited) to take place just before my surgery. Still, I wish it were December already. Sorry about the punctuation in this one. It's not working right tonight!!! My friend Heather (hi Heather) and I were talking about working out together. I'd like to do that but I need to figure out how I can afford to. I'm not necessarily starting to enjoy working out but I do feel a strong desire to become an athlete which is totally weird for me. I'm really missing swimming. After P.E. this morning, I was looking at the pool and wishing I could jump in and just be weightless for a while. I saw my GYN yesterday and switched from pills to patches since pills won't absorb post surgery. I wouldn't bother but it really, really helps with the cramps. (Before I started taking them I'd curl into the fetal position and break out in a cold sweat.) If that doesn't work, he said there's a procedure he can do that will work (I'm actually gonna explain this, because it's sooo coool, so guys, feel free to tune out it you're not sufficiently in touch with your femininity to avoid getting queasy). He told me that most women stop experiencing menstrual cramps after giving birth because the cervix dilates, releasing the tension that causes cramps. The procedure involved putting pieces of seaweed inside the cervix which causes it to dilate slowly over 24 hours. They do this once a month for 2 or three months and the cramps should go away. Hooray!!! But anyway, that's a consideration for after surgery. I've got much more important things to worry about before then... Like where to put the Kareoke machine at my party. (Dec. 11th people! Put it on your calendars!!!)