Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya, Tomorrow!

This is just a quick one. My surgery is tomorrow morning. It's been a rough day and I still have many things to do but I'm glad that tomorrow is finally here!

First I want to thank some people.

Thanks to my mom, dad and brother who always love me, even when I'm acting like an idiot. You guys have been such a big support and I adore you!

Thanks to Bryen. Without you, I wouldn't be here. Your support and love has been so important to me and I'll never be able to thank you enough for being all the things that you are. You couldn't eat?

To Andrea, Tina, Heather, Sheryl, Travis, April, Dina, Doug, Heidi, Andrea S., and any other assorted friends I may have accidentally forgotten to mention. You are the best! You were all for this from the beginning and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have such great friends like you.

To family, friends of family, extended family and all others too numerous to name individually, thank you for loving and supporting me. I keep realizing how many people will be praying for me tomorrow and I realize that with all that good energy coming my way, I will truly be blessed. I am truly blessed. I love you and I'll see you all soon!

To my kitties, Meitri and Xander, you won't read this because, well, you can't operate a computer but you give me a reason to get up every day and sometimes, that's all we need.

To my favorite foods: Chicken Pasanda with jasmine rice and garlic nan; butternut squash ravioli; BBQ pork spareribs; mexican food of all creeds; ice cream; french fries; cheese and avocado - good-bye. Some of you I will see again my loves, but we shall be aquaintances only. Others I bid good-bye forever. Thank you for the time we have spent together but now I must move on to bigger and better things. I pray for strength for you to get over me and visa versa. No, no. It is no use protesting. I must bid you adiu.

I will be staying at the fabulous Valley Care Memorial Hospital in beautiful downtown Pleasanton. Gifts will be graciously accepted but no candy please, I'm on a diet. ;)

The Greatest Moment of Them All....

This is it folks. The finish line. Today was my one-week pre-op appointment. The one that I've been dreading for months and months. Let me tell you all about it!

My appointment was this morning at 9:30 so I figured if we left at 8:30, that should be plenty of time to get from Martinez to Pleasanton, right? Well, I forgot to take into account traffic, which is heading in that direction in the morning. My mom drove and we actually made pretty good time considering cars were stalled and back-firing all over the place. We only got there five minutes late and, as I had called on my cell phone to let them know that, everything was fine!

We ran into another woman in the lobby whom I've met at a couple of the nutrition classes before. She had her surgery three weeks ago and was so excited to tell me what to expect. She said that she had hardly any pain and that, while she was in the hospital, she had talked with the woman she shared a room with who'd also had the same procedure done and they both agreed that they'd to the whole thing again next week if they had too! That's pretty encouraging. She told me that the worst part is the 'swallow test' which occurs the day after surgery. I'm supposed to take this dyed fluid thingy while they check for leaks in my GI tract. Everyone suggests I take the berry flavored one, so hopefully that won't be all that bad.

So the whole reason I've been dreading this appointment is that the final weigh-in was today. As you know, I've been struggling with this aspect for so long and now suddenly it's here. I weighed myself this morning and was about 278.2, which is definately under where I needed to be. I dressed in my lightest cloths and said frantic prayers every five minutes throughout the morning. I didn't even eat breakfast I was so afraid it would make a big enough difference! So the first thing that happens when they call me back is the clerk asks me to step on the scale. Suddenly, it's here. The BIG MOMENT. The very first thing that goes through my head is, 'Already?!? - We've just met! Isn't this a little sudden?' But the moment was here so I started taking off my shoes to get on the scale.

" Don't take off your shoes. We'll subtract the weight after."

This confuses me and I feel a rush of disorientation. I'm so nervous I'm not sure I understood what she said, or even if she was speaking English. Then it hits me. Now, I'm wearing the new tennis shoes I've bought and, in case you've never seen them, they're huge. I've got tiny feet but these have to weigh a ton and I'm panicking because I'm terrified I'll be over weight just from these stupid shoes! Finally, I understand the concept and struggle to put my foot back into my shoe, feeling for all the world like Lucille Ball at her finest. I weigh myself, muttering my second favorite prayer of "please, please, please, please..." under my breath as I watch the number race up the digital face on the display. (My favorite prayer, by the way, is "HELP!!!") Suddenly the readout stops at 278.something and I sigh deeply with relief, trying not to pass out. NOW she has me take off my shoes and we weigh them seperately. (Just in case you were interested, the final weight of a pair of size 6 EEE boys tennis shoes by New Balance is 1.6 ounces). Mom and I go into the doctors room and she asks me under her breath what the weight was. I'm still a little light-headed and as I'm trying to explain, the clerk come back in and tells me that the final number is 276.4. I've lost a total of 19.7 lbs. The highest I could have been today was 280.00 so inside I'm leaping for joy. Mom reaches over and grabs my hand and we both sigh with relief and start laughing at how silly it all is. Such a little thing, but it means the world on days like today. Immediately, I call my best friend Bryen, who's still asleep. He's gives me a groggy, "That's great! Congratulations! Call me later!" before drifting off again.

I met my surgeon, Dr. Andrew Lee for the first time today as well. Initially, another surgeon was supposed to do my surgery but he ended up leaving the practice, so I had a choice to follow him or stay with California Surgical Association (CSA). I chose CSA and got to choose my Dr. He's a very nice man and went over all the fine print of the surgery. He explained that the reason they have patients loose weight before the surgery is so that the liver will shrink with weight loss, making it easier to lift and move out of the way in order to get to the GI tract. I hadn't thought about this aspect of it and was glad to hear such a reasonable explination. He signed all the necessary paperwork and, after getting my perscriptions, sent me over to the actual hospital to register!

We got over there at about 10:30 and spent a great deal of time finishing everything up. I'm registered at the hospital which, in my giddiness is not unlike making reservations at a hotel or a day spa. Everyone keeps asking me my birthdate and I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I'm giving them the right answer. Next I get my blood drawn. It's only three vials and it's not like I've never had blood taken before, but even with an interestingly high pain tolerance threshold, the needle kinda hurts. A nurse comes into the room and the whole time my bloods being taken, she and the phlebotomist are chatting about whether or not she's seen her 'dress' yet. I take it all in, laughing to myself. Next comes the ever popular game of 'let's try and pee into a cup without making a mess'. I get lost trying to find the bathroom she off-handedly directs me towards, and then I'm confused because she told me to bring it back to her, but the bathroom has one of those little windows in if for 'specimen samples' so, feeling pretty stupid by this point, I stick my head out into the hall and ask a passing nurse what I'm supposed to do. Bring it back to the phlebotomist. Great. So I manage to complete my mission without too much mishap and, feeling strangely proud of my accomplishment, leave the bathroom (after washing my hands of course) and immediately head down the hall towards the lab room before I hear the phlebotomist behind me asking for my sample. Nothing like looking confused while carrying a cup of your own urine.

The next step is to meet with the Registered Nurse to go over the final details. I'm told what I can and cannot drink for the two days before surgery. I'm on a liquid only diet and a bowel prep (ooh, pretty words) so they're very specific. I take a few notes, mostly reminding myself not to moisturize on the day of surgery and that visiting hours are between 11am and 8pm (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Nurse Barbara tells me that I will be issued a three digit patient ID that I must give to anyone who wants information about me while I'm at the hospital. This is for my privacy, so I have to remember to give it to mom and dad as soon as I get it upon admission or no one will be able to see me!

She tells us that my parents can wait in the lobby and that the surgeon will let them know when I'm in recovery. I'll be in recovery two hours after surgery so that I can be monitored for complications before being moved to my room. I'm told I'll either get a private room or have a roommate. Being that it's winter, the hospital fills up quickly and though they'll try and match me up with someone who's had the same surgery as I have, there are no garantees. I'm also told that I absolutely cannot eat until after my drinking test on the second day after surgery. She says that sometimes they bring food for another patient and accidently give it to someone who's not ready for it. I'm supposed to make them verify my name and birthdate before accepting anything from anyone. 'The surgeons aren't just being nice,' she tells me, 'it's a mistake.' I solomnly promise not to mug my roommates or the aides for JELL-O.

One hour after I return to my room (three hours after the surgery is complete), I'll walk for the first time. She tells me that it's my responsibility to walk myself every three hours and that the nurses may remind me, but it's up to me to do it (and ask for help if needed). She also says that they won't wake me up to walk at night and that if I'm sleeping, it's not a big deal (unless I'm napping during the day, then I still have to get up). I'll also be given a breathing thing that will help strengthen my lungs. I've used it before because of my ashtma and it's not complicated. I just have to remember to do it 10 times every hour! Between that and getting a drinking rythem, I'll be a completely choreographed show by the time I go home!!

After all of that, Barbara took me for another EKG. I'm mentioning her by name because I really liked her. She was nice and had a great sense of humor. More than that though, she was considerate. While doing the EKG, she put all the stickys on my chest and then attached the clippies... and then covered me up again. I've had a few EKG's in this whole process and she's the first one who's ever deliberately done that. Then she talked to me and joked with me while the test was being done. I felt completely comfortable and it's the little things like that that make a difference.

My final task for the day is a chest x-ray. Barbara escorts us over to the x-ray lab and wishes me good luck. After waiting for what seems like a long time, I finally go in and have front an side view x-rays taken. I wait while they develop and then told to get dressed and go home!!!

I have Indian food for lunch. I will miss it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat it again, but I've come to the decision (after breif moments of blinding panic over the last two weeks) that this is what I want. I'm ready. I've worked hard for it and in less than a week, I will have achieved something major in my life.

Now all I have to do is get through two days of work, a Spanish project, two Spanish test and and English essay.

Whatever They Offer You, Don't Feed the Plants!

Where to begin…. Well guys, there’s less than two weeks left until surgery. People keep asking me if I’m nervous, and I am… just not about the surgery. When I weighed myself on Monday (Nov. 22nd), I was back up to 284.00 lbs. I was really upset and I mentioned it in my last two Nutrition classes at Valley Care clinic. Our nutritionist Valerie advised me to go out and buy some microwave dinners so that I could avoid the choice involved in eating.

“Eat because you have to, not because you enjoy it. It’s not permanent, you’ll be able to enjoy food again, but for now you need to stick to the basics.”

I found myself really struggling with this. I didn’t WANT to stop eating for pleasure. I only had a few precious weeks left until surgery and I didn’t want to give them up when I’d never have the opportunity to enjoy my current lifestyle again. I don’t ever want it again. I just want to enjoy what I do have then say good-bye without regrets. Sadly though, reality sets back in and I had to give myself a serious talking to. I had to make myself understand that this is it. If I don’t lose the weight I need too, they’ll have to postpone my surgery until I do lose the weight. At this point, that means at least until January. I’ve worked too hard and too long to fumble in the end zone. (Did I really just use a sports metaphore? Where did that come from?)

So, I went and spent a lot of money on the good microwave dinners (SmartOnes and Lean Cuisine) with the lower fat and caloric amounts. I also decided to take my P.E. teacher’s advice and switch my meals around. Now I eat oatmeal for breakfast, a microwave dinner for lunch and have a SlimFast shake and nutrition bar or something for dinner. I’ve done that for about a week now and happily, it’s working. I’m back down to 277-ish, which is below where I need to be. The scale at Valley Care is about the same as mine at home so I’m feeling good about it all.

I went to L.A. over Thanksgiving weekend to visit my best friend Bryen. We spent all of Thursday in Disneyland and walked all over the place. I was sore for two days afterwards but actually lost weight in spite of having to exist on park food (tasty, but not necessarily healthy). I call Bryen my Diet Nazi because he can be very strong for me when I need it. He tells me ‘No, don’t finish that whole thing!’ and I start to whine and pout. Then he gives me a look and a firm ‘No!’ and I usually capitulate. Rules for a successful vacation while dieting: make sure you have someone with you whom you can take orders from without feeling rebellious. Thanks Bry.

Now all I have to do is make it to the 8th. Once they weigh me at my one-week pre-op, there’s no turning back. I actually got a phone call from the surgeon’s office yesterday, asking if I wanted to change my surgery date to Dec. 6th! I thought about it for a minute, but eventually decided to leave it where it is. I both want and need the extra time. Bryen’s coming into town for my party and I want to be able to spend time with him. Most importantly, school ends the week of surgery and I’ve been making arrangements to take tests early and it’d be too difficult to try and do everything two weeks early instead of just one week.

There’s still a lot to do before surgery. I have lists but I’m finding myself too flustered to concentrate lately. When I’m lying in bed at night I begin thinking about additional things that need to be done but I’m too tired (or lazy) to get up and write them down. When I was in L.A. I went to get a haircut but it turned out to be one of the most awful, white trash, shag mullets I’ve ever seen. Plus, I couldn’t afford to dye my hair so I had a hideous two inches of roots showing. Bryen and I went and bought some hair color and when we got home, he did my hair himself. We colored it and he decided to fix the style for me. He started out cutting it to the length that I wanted it, then decided to go shorter. Suddenly, he gets this look in his eyes and says, “okay, I have an idea but you have to trust me.” So… I do.

It’s short. It’s absolutely adorable. But it’s short. Everyone who’s seen it loves it, although some say they prefer it longer. Either way, I really like it and it’s exactly what I need right now; something low maintenance that I don’t have to deal with while I’m in recovery mode. Plus it’s so cute. The only thing about it that makes me uncomfortable is that you can see the two ugly raised moles on the back of my neck. I really want to get them removed but my focus (and money) is elsewhere right now.

My biggest worry right now is money. Money’s always been tight for me because, as my father says, I live ‘a champagne life on a beer budget.’ I’ve been doing really well with expenses lately but with Christmas coming and going to L.A., even though I really didn’t spend all that much, I’m starting to feel frantic. I’m thinking of starting a ‘Save the Kim’ fund. Either that, or rob a bank. I’m just got a cost of living raise and this month I get my annual increase but I don’t think that’ll help much. Eventually it will. It’s just these next few months I’m worried about. Between the holidays and having to go on medical leave while I’m recovering, I’m really scared about facing the next few months. Why do we always seem to live outside of our means? My parents would say that I waste money on things I don’t need, but I’ve really been good. I’ve cut back so much and I’ve been doing so great at getting my finances under control, even if I am still as poor as a church mouse. Now I feel myself starting to flounder again and I don’t know whether it’s do to stress or something else. Anybody wanna buy a kidney?

I hope you’re all well and my thoughts and prayers are with you!