Shake Those Shoes and Go Into Your Dance

To start out, I'd like to pay tribute to my shoes. Maybe you're wondering why. Well, as you may or may not have heard, my feet have been hurting me. Something fierce. In fact, it got so bad that when I got out of bed in the morning, I couldn't walk. I'd have to hold onto the bed just to get around the room. Not a fun thing. At the last Lifestyle Management class I attended, we had a guest speaker from a workout facility. After class, I asked her what I could do about my feet. My P.E. teacher had suggested new shoes, but I was concerned that I had pinched a nerve or something while taking a fall a few months ago. She told me it sounded like I had platerfagitis (sp) which is a swelling of the tendons in the feel. Runners get it often and it comes from wearing bad or old shoes, walking or running excessively and on hard pavement. Who knew so much exercise could have a downside?

She told me my 9 month-old shoes were too old to be walking in and that I needed to get a good pair of walking shoes. She gave me some exercises to do, which amounted to rolling my feet over a golf ball or a tennis ball to work out the muscles. I have this 8-lb. weight that has a pentagon on each end and I've been rolling my feet on that. It alternately hurts and feels really good, but it seems to be effective.

So, I go out to Sportsmart to buy walking shoes. If you've never done this before, it's a little mind-boggling. I've known for a while now that I've got odd sized feet. I usually wear size 8 wide, which are too long for my feet, but are the smallest size that fit my width. It's taken me a while to appreciate the differences between pumps, flats and tennis shoes, but I never knew that tennis shoes come in varieties too. You've got your running shoes, your walking shoes, your soccer shoes, golf shoes and even plain old tennis shoes. Shoes for every imaginable activity.

Shoes for men, women and kids - but no shoes for me. I had my foot sized to see what size I actually am. Turns out, I should be wearing size 6 ½ EEE. Try finding those at Payless. Sadly, women's sizes do run as small as 6 ½, but not in EEE. Apparently, small-footed women don't usually have wide feet. So then we tried girls sizes (an idea which really appealed to me, even if it is just shoes). No such luck there either. Next was the Men's dept. where a size EEE is normal, but a size 6-½ shoe would be laughed at and spat upon by its Olympian size brothers. So boy's shoes. Apparently the awkwardness of male puberty does include weird shaped feet and so we had success - to the tune of $102.83. I've never even looked at shoes that cost that much, let alone bought a pair! Fashionista I am not.

Now I have my new shoes and you better believe I'm getting my use out of them. They're a teensy bit tighter than I would like but beggars can't be choosers. Not for that price anyway. My feet have been feeling better recently, though not 100%. Anything is better than the pain I felt before though. I've also been feeling some pain in my left arm, starting in the wrist and ending around the elbow. Hearing the tromping feet of Carpel Tunnel, I made an appointment to see a doctor. Remember Dr. Kalkstein, the doctor whose name I changed to Dr. Doorknob to protect his privacy? He's the one who wanted to commit me because I was upset he wouldn't help me with my weight loss. Well, he was the only doctor available to see me at a convenient time, so I decided to go ahead and see him.

I had to practically beg him to take my seriously about the arm pain. He said that if it is Carpel Tunnel, it's not that bad. He wouldn't refer me for an X-ray, which is what my boss said was the procedure for this situation. He finally decided to give me a wrist brace but didn't tell me when to wear it, so I had to ask the nurse. Luckily, the nurse has Carpel Tunnel and was able to advise me. As far as my feet went, he felt my ankle, said they didn't feel swollen and that I just needed to walk it off. I never even took off my shoes. When I told him how bad the pain was when I woke up in the morning, he said he could send me to a podiatrist and, if it was necessary, they could make these shoe inserts that would work the muscles while I walk. The whole appointment was akin to pulling teeth, and I was getting a little peed off about the whole thing. Then, he says: "You seem a little upset, are you okay?" I'm thinking, 'do you want to commit me?' He couldn't even schedule me with the podiatrist because there's a waiting list or something. In the meantime, I'm just supposed to deal.

I've also been having trouble getting my therapist to call me back. I really like her, but it's been one long game of phone tag so far. She actually called while I'm writing this so I do have an appointment set for next week. That'll be nice. I feel like my little body's falling apart slowly. My back aches, my wrist hurts and my feet throb. I had to stop walking for a week and a half because the foot pain was so intense. I ended up gaining weight and that's the last thing I need right now. I was able to get it back down again, but I'm still at the last 3 pounds. Isn't it funny how when you've got 30 lbs. to lose, 3 lbs. is nothing, but when it's all you have left, you can't pry them off with a crowbar? Plus, I'd like to lose a few extra lbs. just to be safe. I'm pushing myself extra hard now that we're in the home stretch. Only seven more weeks to go till I'm on the table.

Mom and I went to my Mandatory Pre-Op conference at Valley Care Weight Loss Center. I'd heard a lot of the information before but Mom had only heard a little of it. I think it was a bit overwhelming for her. I have no doubts that she'll assimilate all the information, but I think that both of us now realized exactly how much work is still ahead of us. I have things to buy before surgery and lists to make. I have to do certain things in preparation two weeks and then one week before surgery that I cannot forget to do, not to mention the stuff to remember for the two days right before surgery. There's still a ways to go yet, but it's getting closer. The end of the road is in site, but I can't yet see the new road forming beyond it. I'm ready for the real work to begin because with it comes the greatest gift imaginable. Myself.

Well, Some People Ain't Me

I've been talking to a lot of people over the past week. I'm getting ready for my big 'Going Away' party in December, so I've had the chance to get in touch with some people that I don't talk to on a regular basis. In doing so, I've gotten a chance to find out a couple of things. The first, and most important, is that a lot of people love me. This may not be surprising to you but it's not really something I've ever thought about before. Self-esteem was always an issue of mine, so I guess I never really gave myself the chance to be loved before. It's a very interesting thing.

The second thing I've learned is that not everyone I know is for me doing this surgery. I've heard from a couple of second-hand sources that there are some people who think I'm taking the easy way out and that I should just lose the weight on my own. While I respect their opinion, I would like to submit to them that they have no idea what they're talking about. At least not about this. I have tried... and tried... and tried to lose weight. While it may have worked for a time, it never lasts for long. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle and I'm even more tired of being unhappy about it.

This is the hardest I've ever had to work in my life. I've been working out 5 to 6 days a week. I've been eating better than ever and, for once in my life, I have hope. Hope for a future without back pain. Hope of not having to use my bed and walls for support when I first get up in the morning because my feet hurt so bad from carrying my body weight. Hope for a life where I can accomplish my dreams without such a frustrating setback like my own body. After the surgery, I'll not only have to endure the pain of recovery, but I will have to work my butt off to make sure the weight stays off and that I do everything possible to take care of a body in recovery. It's not like an alcoholic who can struggle with just giving up alcohol forever. I cannot just stop eating. We need food to live. This is the only addiction that cannot be cured by abstinance. I've tried hard to do it on my own and that hasn't worked so it's time to get drastic about a drastic problem.

If I only had ten pounds to lose, this would be a different story. When I started this process, I was only a couple of dounuts away from 300 lbs. THREE-HUNDRED POUNDS. For a 5 foot tall, 24 year old, that's not a good thing. This is not something that can be dieted away. Even if I did diet and managed to get it all off, there's only a 5% chance that I'd be able to keep the weight off for more than 5 years. What kind of life is that?

For arguments sake, lets say that this is the easy way out. What's wrong with that? It'll work and it'll save my life. The problem comes when you really consider all the work necessary to make this happen. It's not easy. The fact is, Weight Loss Surgery is not a solution. It doesn't mean that I magically lose the weight and never lift a finger. WLS is a nudge. It's a solid nudge, true, but a nudge none the less. It's up to me to do the work to get to solutions. The only difference between this choice and dieting is that now, I will actually succeed. The degree of my success depends entirely on me.

And that's the bottom line. This has never been about anyone but me. If people I love have a problem with it, that's okay. I respect that. However, they aren't me. They don't know who I am or what I go through and are in no position to tell me what decision is the right one for ME. Some people have place a lot of blame on my parents for my weight. Maybe it is their fault. Maybe it's not genetics and environment. Maybe they could have forced me on one more diet, or kept taking me to the dietatician. Maybe it would have worked, but most likely, I would have fought them on it. But here's the truth, people. My mom and dad did the best job that they could and I love them. I love who I am and I have no regret for the mistakes that I have made because each of them has contributed to the person sitting here today. And she's great. I love her, too. So once and for all, I vindicate my parents. You guy created a beautiful, wonderful daughter who has her issues, but has managed to conquer them. If you hadn't done a good job with me, I wouldn't have the ability to take control of my life and to have gotten where I am today. No matter what anyone else says, I am me. I alone made me the way I am. I'm a person just like everyone else and therefore, cannot be made to do anything I really don't want to. I made this bed and now I'm going to sleep in it. Or, more practically, I'm going to unmake it so that I can remake it to my liking.

I am loved, and for maybe the first time, I know it. I have a best friend who stands beside me no matter what. I have parents who drive me crazy, but who would do anything to protect me and I adore them. I have very dear friends living far and near, some of whom have been a part of my soul for ages and some who are still learning my heart. I have a family and an extended family who is there for me and who has no idea the importance they've held in my life. It's time I rectify that. I thank you all for everything. I love you all and am proud to have you in my life.

The following is a letter written by the husband of a woman who had the surgery that I am going to have. This letter was given to me at the clinic to share with all my 'significant others' before surgery. Especially if they were opposed. I'd like to share it with you now and invite any questions or concerns you may have. Ask me your questions and I will answer them.

"To All 'Significant Others'

I want to talk to all the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, boyfriends, girlfriends or any other 'significant other.' If your loved one has asked you to read this section, congratulations on doing so. I have gone through, and survived, what you are probably experiencing now and know that I can offer some words that will help you to deal with it.

About two years ago, our family doctor recommended that my wife see a nutritionist about her weight. The nutritionist suggested several plans for her to lose weight, most of which were the standard: more exercise, better eating habits, identifying why people eat emotionally, and taking prescribed weight loss medication. One of the suggestions, however, was for her to have weight loss surgery. I was shocked. how could this man come up with this? Does he really know what he is talking about?

My reactions then, were probably the same as your reactions now. I know what most every one of you was thinking when your loved one told you that he or she was considering weight loss surgery. I can hear your thoughts and your words now as I am writing this.

'This is a major operation!' 'You are perfectly healthy!' 'You could die!!' 'What about the family?' 'What about just one more diet?' 'You are not THAT overweight!' 'How can they say that you are morbidly obese?' ' Why do something that will change your life forever?'

I could go on and on. How do I know what went through your mind? I know because I had the very same thoughts and emotions. I think that anyone who finds out that their loved one is 'volunteering' to undergo such a serious operation is naturally concerned about the consequences of such a drastic procedure. I use the word 'volunteering' because at that time, I did not fully understand the 'need' for the operation. I was worried about how this operation would change her life. I was worried about how she would feel when we would go out to dinner with friends or when she attended a work related function that was centered around food. I was worried about the fact that some surgeon was going to literally change her insides. Cut some parts here. Reconnect some parts there. This surgeon was actually going to re-route my wife's intestines to places that God never thought about. I was horrified. I was scared. I was speechless. And with all my worry for how this would change my wife's life, I also wondered how this would change my own life and our family. How could I eat in front of her without making her feel bad about not being able to eat more? How could we go out for dinner and a movie? How would I go on if she had complications and died? It is amazing how may thoughts go through your head when you are panicking about the health of your loved ones.

After I got over the initial shock, I was able to think a little more rationally and talked over the options with Barbara. After hearing what she had to say, I still could not accept the fact that she needed such a serious procedure. After much discussion, I talked her into trying another diet. I would help. I would go on a diet with her. I would do anything to avoid the operation. Being the wonderful person she is, she agreed to try one more time. She went on another diet and watched what she ate. She went to nutrition classes. She exercised.. She did all the things that the nutritionist originally suggested execpt the surgery. She did lose weight but she was not happy and was in constant pain from her back. This is when I started to learn about something called 'Co-morbidities.'

Many times when people are overweight, there are usually other problems happening now or problems that will develop in the future. my wife was in a car accident many years ago and has had back pain ever since. the increasing weight on her body was not allowing her to live life without pain. Some days the pain was less. Some days the pain was more severe. But there was always pain. This additional problem that is associated with the weight is called co-morbidity. being overweight makes a person vulnerable to many other problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attacks and something called sleep apnea, when the person actually stops breathing when they sleep. She didn't have any of these other problems then, but being overweight made her a prime candidate for developing these problems in the future.

Another problem that is not classed as co-morbidity is 'quality of life'. My wife was not happy about her weight problem and the ever-present back pain. She missed going shopping with our daughter, Erin, because she could only walk for a short time at the malls. She felt bad that she could never fit into the slinky outfits that she wore many years ago. She loves playing golf, but her back would be screaming at her after playing only nine holes. Playing 18 holes of golf was absolutely out of the question. She was taking prescribed and over-the-counter pain medication, going to a chiropractor several times a week, and even got treated several times at a pain cneter at a local hospital. She was told that the treatments would give her some temporary relief but would not cure her problem, as long as she was heavy.

The turning point for me to accept weight loss surgery was one day when I found my wife in the kitchen and in especially great pain. She was crying and sitting in a chair with her head hanging low. She looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes that were now red and full of tears, and said that she was tired of being in pain all the time and wanted to go ahead with the surgery. My heart melted. I looked her in the eyes and I knew in that moment that we were about to talke a new direction in our lives. I could not continue to see the person I love most in the world, in so much pain and i could see that weight loss surgery was the only way to ever find an end to her misery.

My wife had the pain, but your loved one may only be overweight. My use of the word 'only' should not be taken as an indication that there is not a grave problem. To be considered for weight loss surgery, the patient is normally 100 pounds or more over their ideal weight. We have a cat and buy kitty litter in 33 pound containers. To get a full appreciation of what an extra 100 pounds feels like, try strapping three of those containers to your belt. Now spend a couple of hours trying to live your life. I would not be surprised if you gave up after only a few minutes.

As the years go by and the person you love gets heavier and heavier, (which is typically what happens), co-morbidities will surely develop. At some point, you and your loved one will be faced with the horrendous fact that the weight will never come off with conventional means, and the quality of life will deteriorate to the point that there will be a spiral down hill to early death. With every passing day you will notice only small changes and think that there is not a big problem. But things will be slowly getting worse until one day there will be a terrible disaster. It is absolutely critical that something be done to manage the weight problem and it must be done now. Any further delay will only add to your loved one's musery and mounting health problems.

If wieght loss surgery has been recommended to your loved one, I urge you from the bottom of my heart, to open your mind to the seriousness of the problem. Make an effort to educate yourself about all aspects of the surgery. Keep in mind that your loved one is in physical and emotional misery and desperately needs your help.

A Husband"

I have never been more sure of any decision I have made in my life. This is the right choice for me and I will never waste a moment of my wonderful life in regretting it.

I love you all!

I believe in you... Oh I believe in you....

So now that I've got my date, I've started having trouble sticking with my 'diet'. This is my old self-sabotage routine. Something good happens and, subconsciously, I feel like I don't deserve it, so things start happening to screw it up. Usually, it's something that I'm doing whether I realize it or not. This is especially true with diets. Fat has become a barrier for me. When you're overweight, people seem to have fewer expectations of you. I've noticed that, unless people are surreptitiously staring at my stomach or my breasts, they usually look right through me, as though being fat makes me non-existent. I remember an episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' (come on, you all know you've watched it) where a girl became invisible because she was so unpopular. I've often wondered if I too would simply fade away one day, long overlooked and underestimated. I've lost more potential boyfriends and earned the scorn of more friends because of my inability to stay in control of my eating habits. Then there's the scariest part of all. As an actor, whenever I've lost a roll to a skinny, though less-talented girl, I've always blamed it on my weight, "If I were thinner, I'd have gotten the part". But what if I'm really just un-talented? Without the weight, I'll no longer be able to use that as an excuse. It's a little intimidating. Long story short, it's getting tough. I've got a little over two months to go and still have three lbs. to lose. Plus, I'd like to lose at least 5 more to maintain an error margin. You know how those hospital scales are always off. Time to regroup and put my proverbial shoulder to the wheel. The positives far outweigh all my fears and worries and I'm not frightened of the surgery, only myself. I've put in a phone call to my health plan's authorization unit and gotten permission to return to therapy. I called my last therapist on Tuesday, but I still haven't heard anything. Asking someone to be your therapist is a lot like proposing marriage. Until they get back to you, time seems to stand still. If they say know, maybe it means you're crazier than you ever thought you were. You don't know, but you can never be sure. Time's started crawling for me since my date was set. I've still got a few things to do. I still need to fill out those awful SDI papers. Plus, I'm planning a party (to which everyone is invited) to take place just before my surgery. Still, I wish it were December already. Sorry about the punctuation in this one. It's not working right tonight!!! My friend Heather (hi Heather) and I were talking about working out together. I'd like to do that but I need to figure out how I can afford to. I'm not necessarily starting to enjoy working out but I do feel a strong desire to become an athlete which is totally weird for me. I'm really missing swimming. After P.E. this morning, I was looking at the pool and wishing I could jump in and just be weightless for a while. I saw my GYN yesterday and switched from pills to patches since pills won't absorb post surgery. I wouldn't bother but it really, really helps with the cramps. (Before I started taking them I'd curl into the fetal position and break out in a cold sweat.) If that doesn't work, he said there's a procedure he can do that will work (I'm actually gonna explain this, because it's sooo coool, so guys, feel free to tune out it you're not sufficiently in touch with your femininity to avoid getting queasy). He told me that most women stop experiencing menstrual cramps after giving birth because the cervix dilates, releasing the tension that causes cramps. The procedure involved putting pieces of seaweed inside the cervix which causes it to dilate slowly over 24 hours. They do this once a month for 2 or three months and the cramps should go away. Hooray!!! But anyway, that's a consideration for after surgery. I've got much more important things to worry about before then... Like where to put the Kareoke machine at my party. (Dec. 11th people! Put it on your calendars!!!)